Monday, April 11, 2011

Honesty During A Tough Time

I have kept many things to myself over the past several months. Times here at my home have been very difficult. I have found little support for what I'm going through and that has made the tough times seem even more difficult. Therefore, I feel that it is time for me to share my story here. My hope in sharing this is that it will provide support to someone else out there.

We planned for our daughter. We wanted to feel secure enough at our jobs, and financially secure as well. We felt financially secure enough to buy a house and still try for our daughter. The same day that we brought our daughter home from the hospital, my husband was laid off. My job at the time was only 5 mornings/ week.

It has now been 11 months. My husband is still looking for a job and 2 weeks ago I was informed that my job will not be continued for next year. In 2 months we will both be unemployed and looking for jobs.

That is difficult enough I'm sure. On top of it all, I don't actually enjoy my chosen profession and I would love to find some kind of a job in another profession. However we clearly don't have the financial stability to send me back to school, especially if I'm not sure of what I may want to do with my life. All I know for sure is that I want to stay home with my baby and any others that we may have in the future. I'd love to find a work-at-home job that could help to support my family when my husband finds a job.

A large part of my difficult time lately has been my intense desire to stay home with my daughter. I become jealous of my husband for being able to stay home with her all day long. He gets to experience everything with her and although I do cherish every moment I get with her, I yearn to be there all the time. Then directly after that, I feel guilty for not being more grateful that I have a job and she has her daddy at home with her. I also feel miserable when it is time to apply for another job because I am becoming both discouraged with the rejection and dreadful of spending another year not at home with my daughter.

My husband cannot understand why I feel the way I do, and honestly I can't expect him to understand. We're very different and in general moms and dads feel differently and view parenthood in vastly different ways. I do often wish that I had someone to talk to or vent to. I admit (with a slight bit of embarrassment) that I have begun going to therapy to try to understand how and why I feel the way I do and how I can cope with it.

I have so many emotions running through me all at once. I feel anxiety and guilt much of the time because of my feelings and desires. I still hold hope that one day in the future, when my husband finds a job, that I will be able to find a way to supplement our income from home so that I am able to stay home with our children and homeschool them (only through the 4th or 5th grade).

At the same time, I also want to feel like myself again: more laid back, not so controlling, and certainly not so miserable and jealous. I have been praying and seeking counseling, but having someone to speak with as more of a friend would be helpful I believe.

Hopefully, this reaches some of you so that you know you are not alone out there. It is okay to feel what you are feeling as long as you learn how to cope so it does not become a long-term problem and negatively affect your life.

I will keep you all updated on my journey. All things will pass eventually. I'm trying to learn to ride this out and discover God's plan for my life.

5 comments:

The Trophy Wife said...

God will never give you more than you can handle. This has been my mantra for the last 2 years. I was laid off from my full time ultra professional job 2 years ago, and found out 2 months later that we were expecting #2. No one would hire a pregnant lady and it was impossible to hide my huge belly on my tiny frame. So we got creative with our budget and I stayed home, not by choice but by necessity. My husband was laid off last Thanksgiving (ON Thanksgiving!) and it has been a struggle ever since. We relied on family and any assistance that we were eligible for. We just found out that we are now expecting #3! God likes to keep me on my toes... Luckily, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband has a position lined up that starts in June and is less than what we used to scrap by on, which means I'll have to find a job that will alternate with his schedule. It also means that we will be moving 4 hours away from what is home, selling the house and taking the kids. But...it's all in His will and will end up for the better in the long run. Look into going back to school....this will allow you to be eligible for more assistance AND you can take out a few extra loans and get grants to help with tuition and living expenses until something new pops up for your husband. Plus, many classes you could take from home too at most accredited colleges. Good Luck.

KTmarie37 said...

Never feel like you don't have someone to talk to! I am always just a phone call away and I am here to listen whenever you need me. I may not be a mom, so I may not understand everything, but I am your friend and I love you so much! You're a wonderful mother and wife and your family is lucky to have such a wonderful woman taking care of them.
And never be embarrassed that you're going to counseling. Just because you accept help from someone, doesn't mean you have failed. It just means you're not in it alone. (I know that's a hard thing to wrap your head around) Being able to talk through things with someone outside the situation can give you new ways to work through everything.
You're a strong woman and I know that together you and your husband will figure out what is best for you and your family.
I love you so much and I'm always here for you!
-Katie

Tat said...

I can totally understand your dilemma. We are under a lot of financial pressure at the moment, too. I have a part-time job from home, which I am really struggling to find time for and now I am about to apply for a second job from home and I have no idea where I am going to find time for it either (if I get it), but I just cannot bring myself to put my kids in long day care and get a job outside home.

Mommy "S" said...

Thank you KT and TrophyWife. It is nice to hear others are in the same place. I do assume that in this economy there are many people in this situation. I just struggle so much with wanting to stay home and feeling guilty about it.

TrophyWife: First, congrats on #3! If I do go back to school for something, I honestly want it to be something that I am able to do from home. I'm also considering opening a home family care center in my house.

Tat: What do you do from home? I'm just curious. I hope you are able to find the time to take on that second job!

KT: Thank you for the support. I just wish that I had done some things differently, but that really doesn't help anything because I can't go back and change the past.

Lacie (lnevans) said...

No matter what, you have a beautiful daughter and although things are rough now, they will get better. Maybe this will give you a tiny smile...

Congrats! I have awarded you The Versatile Blogger award! Check out my post at http://homegrowinghappiness.blogspot.com/2011/04/versatile-blogger-award.html to accept your award.