I have kept many things to myself over the past several months. Times here at my home have been very difficult. I have found little support for what I'm going through and that has made the tough times seem even more difficult. Therefore, I feel that it is time for me to share my story here. My hope in sharing this is that it will provide support to someone else out there.
We planned for our daughter. We wanted to feel secure enough at our jobs, and financially secure as well. We felt financially secure enough to buy a house and still try for our daughter. The same day that we brought our daughter home from the hospital, my husband was laid off. My job at the time was only 5 mornings/ week.
It has now been 11 months. My husband is still looking for a job and 2 weeks ago I was informed that my job will not be continued for next year. In 2 months we will both be unemployed and looking for jobs.
That is difficult enough I'm sure. On top of it all, I don't actually enjoy my chosen profession and I would love to find some kind of a job in another profession. However we clearly don't have the financial stability to send me back to school, especially if I'm not sure of what I may want to do with my life. All I know for sure is that I want to stay home with my baby and any others that we may have in the future. I'd love to find a work-at-home job that could help to support my family when my husband finds a job.
A large part of my difficult time lately has been my intense desire to stay home with my daughter. I become jealous of my husband for being able to stay home with her all day long. He gets to experience everything with her and although I do cherish every moment I get with her, I yearn to be there all the time. Then directly after that, I feel guilty for not being more grateful that I have a job and she has her daddy at home with her. I also feel miserable when it is time to apply for another job because I am becoming both discouraged with the rejection and dreadful of spending another year not at home with my daughter.
My husband cannot understand why I feel the way I do, and honestly I can't expect him to understand. We're very different and in general moms and dads feel differently and view parenthood in vastly different ways. I do often wish that I had someone to talk to or vent to. I admit (with a slight bit of embarrassment) that I have begun going to therapy to try to understand how and why I feel the way I do and how I can cope with it.
I have so many emotions running through me all at once. I feel anxiety and guilt much of the time because of my feelings and desires. I still hold hope that one day in the future, when my husband finds a job, that I will be able to find a way to supplement our income from home so that I am able to stay home with our children and homeschool them (only through the 4th or 5th grade).
At the same time, I also want to feel like myself again: more laid back, not so controlling, and certainly not so miserable and jealous. I have been praying and seeking counseling, but having someone to speak with as more of a friend would be helpful I believe.
Hopefully, this reaches some of you so that you know you are not alone out there. It is okay to feel what you are feeling as long as you learn how to cope so it does not become a long-term problem and negatively affect your life.
I will keep you all updated on my journey. All things will pass eventually. I'm trying to learn to ride this out and discover God's plan for my life.